Good Vibrations

Rating: NC-17.

Spoilers: Takes place after Freak Nation. Events from 'Before the Dawn' are mentioned.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters from the TV series Dark Angel.

Note: This is slightly AU as I have decided to ignore the runes in this story.

Chapter 5

Pulling out of her and collapsing beside her on the bed, Alec whispered, "You okay?"

"Mmmm. Yeah." Max rolled over and curled into his side, a satisfied grin tilting her lips. "Never better." She was starting to feel a bit tender in a few places, but the slight discomfort was a small price to pay in her mind for the complete and absolute pleasure she’d been sated with.

"Good." Relieved, he pulled her closer and lay still for several minutes, his mind drifting absently while he held her.

Both of them jumped when his stomach growled, loudly. Laughing, he reluctantly rolled over and got up, “Should’ve figured we’d get hungry eventually. We both missed supper last night.” When she started to get up too, he shook his head and caressed her cheek for a moment before sliding his hand down on to her shoulder, encouraging her to lie back down. “No, you stay put. I’ll bring us back something.”

Striding out into the kitchen, he quickly washed his hands and tried to figure out what to fix for breakfast. Grabbing one of their TV trays, he loaded it with some bowls, spoons, cereal and milk. A bunch of grapes beckoned to him just as he was about to pick up the tray. Grinning, he picked those up too and added them to the pile.

When he got back to the bed, he found Max lying semi-reclined against the pillows, looking like the cat that had gotten the canary. Settling the tray down over her lap, he sat down beside her, unable to prevent an amused smile from lifting his lips.

“What?”

“Just you. The look on your face right now.” He caressed her with his eyes, admiring the natural beauty radiating from her, the absolute contentment written in the lines of her body. “I’d love to see you looking this way all the time.”

She blushed, embarrassment flooding her cheeks, “Why? What do I look like?” She raised a hand to her face, then her hair, sure she must look a mess after everything they’d done the night before.

Seeing how flustered and concerned she was becoming, he rushed to soothe her. “Maxie, relax. You’re beautiful. All I meant was how happy and relaxed you look.”

“Oh.” Eyeing him suspiciously for a moment, but seeing his sincerity, she smiled shyly and picked up one of the spoons, helping herself to some cereal.

Taking her cue, Alec grabbed the other spoon and started eating too, still watching her out of the corner of his eye. When they were both finished, he moved the tray off onto the floor and sprawled out beside her on the pillows. Reaching down he grabbed the grapes and started plucking them off one by one, feeding them both.

He finally arched an eyebrow at her, “So I was wondering..." His voice trailed off as he tried to figure out a delicate way to bring it up and then he shook his head. "Never mind. It's nothing."

She tilted her head at him, curious at his hesitance. "What?"

He lifted a hand to brush a lock of hair back from where it had fallen in her face and she leaned into his touch. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but… what does heat feel like?"

Max pulled back and stared at him, weighing his interest while she chewed on the last grape. After gathering her thoughts for a moment she murmured, "It's the most uncomfortable thing you can imagine. Your skin gets so hot and so sensitive, it feels like it's about to peel off your body.”

“And the thing is, you'd be happy if it would, because you can feel everything, even air brushing over you, and the friction of clothing on your skin drives you crazy." She shivered at the memory and his hands reached out to stroke her soothingly, encouraging her to continue.

"You feel like you can't breathe. You ache all over, especially inside and all you can think about are men, any guy will do… Doesn't matter in the slightest how ugly or repulsive they are because you need sex so bad you can taste it.”

She sighed, trying to come up with something adequate enough to describe it so he would properly understand. “Think about the worst case of sexual frustration you’ve ever felt.” A wry grin lifted her lips. “I imagine that the last six months would probably cover it for you, since I can’t really picture you having much of a problem with it normally.”

Realizing she was probably right, he shrugged sheepishly and motioned for her to continue.

“Anyway, multiply that by at least five and that’s your starting point. Only with heat, it keeps on getting worse and lasts about three days. You’re in a constant state of excruciating arousal. If you try to hold out too long, it gets to the point where you just don’t care anymore. You just want it to stop. You'd do anything, do anyone to make it stop."

Max shook her head in disgust. "Hell, I once tried to jump Normal. That should give you some indication of how bad it is."

Alec nodded slowly, shaken by the thought, then asked, "So how did you manage to go a year and a half without having sex?”

"It wasn't easy, that's for sure. It's really hard to retain your willpower, let alone your sanity, when your body's screaming at you like that. Luckily, I've only had two cycles to deal with since getting out of Manticore."

He looked at her curiously and she answered his unspoken question. "I skipped two after taking out the DNA labs, probably due to the heart transplant and stress." She sighed sadly, “For a while there though, I actually thought they'd cured me of it."

"No such luck, huh?" He smiled at her sympathetically.

"Unfortunately not. The next one came on hard and fast." Max shuddered, her eyes taking on a faraway look for a moment before she continued, "I've kinda worked out a strategy for dealing with them over the years - it basically involves a ton of cold showers and exercise. And locking myself up somewhere far away from all men, of course. Riding my baby sometimes helps too." She blushed a bit, not wanting to explain how.

Alec nodded and smiled, understanding what she meant. "Does any of that actually work? Make it go away?"

"No. Nothing does really." She shrugged fatalistically. "But it does serve to distract me a bit. Allows me to avoid it sometimes. I’ve even tried taking care of it myself, but it doesn’t help.” A faint blush colored her cheeks at that admission. “It doesn’t actually go away until the cycle runs out or, well, until a guy gets off inside me. And it usually needs to be more than once to give me any kind of permanent relief.”

“While OC and I were roomies, she even tried to help.” Noticing the deliberate smirk creeping onto his face, Max slapped his chest lightly and rolled her eyes, even as she appreciated his attempt to lighten the mood, “Not like that. She kept an eye on me and put the smack down on my ass whenever I got too far out of hand. And whenever she needed to sleep, she'd handcuff me to the base of the sink in our bathroom."

Alec raised an eyebrow at that and she sighed. "We had to add that one after the last time I snuck out and screwed up. Literally." A shiver worked its way down her spine and her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

"Hey." He whispered and pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her. "It's not your fault, you know. You've done the best you could."

“Yeah. I guess. But it never seems good enough. Especially when I give in.” Her voice became husky as tears started trailing down her cheeks. “When I wake up in a strange bed and have no idea how I got there, where I am or who’s beside me, I feel sick. Dirty. I always think there’s something more I should have done. Some way I could have prevented it.”

He kissed her tears away and swallowed the lump gathering in his throat. "There isn't, Maxie. It's not your fault." He tipped her chin up to face him and stared into her eyes, willing her to believe him. "I've never heard of even a single female who was able to withstand the urge without being put in lock down. It was standard procedure back at Manticore because there was no other way of keeping them under control. I'm amazed you've been able to resist at all."

She sniffled and smiled shakily at him. "Really?"

"Really." Alec held her gaze until she nodded slowly, then asked. “So where did you go the last time, three months ago?”

Max looked at him curiously. "I picked up OC and ran off to one of the parks, outside Seattle. Why? How did you know?"

“When I came home that night, I got an instant hard on and you were nowhere to be found." He shook his head, a wry smile tilting his lips. "But I could smell you all over the apartment. It was intoxicating, damn near drove me crazy. I finally had to leave to get some relief. I opened up all the windows to air the place out and spent a couple nights at Josh's.”

Her eyebrows lifted almost to her hairline, "It affects you too?"

"We do have the same feline DNA, Maxie. The need to mate and breed is just as instinctive for us guys as it is for you." His forehead furrowed as a thought occurred to him. "I'm surprised you managed to get away last time. Whatever you do, stay inside this time, otherwise the single guys will be all over you. They'd start fighting for you. I would too."

She stared at him, stunned, her jaw dropping. "They… you would?"

"Yeah, I would." He frowned, not liking the idea of anyone else trying to claim her. I'll kill any guy who dares touch her. "But as long as you stay locked up in our apartment, you should be safe. So please promise me you won't go out, okay?"

She eyed him for a minute, confused by his reaction, a hint of fear playing over her features, "I won't have a reason to, will I, Alec? You'll be here to help me out, right?"

He groaned and rolled over on to his back, staring up at the ceiling. How on earth do I tell her no when all I really wanna do is say yes? There's no way I can trap her into staying with me though. He forced himself to spit out the words. "I wish I could. But I can't, Max."

"Why not?"

He sighed and glanced back over at her. "You obviously haven't talked to any of the other women about what happens when we get together in heat."

She shook her head and sat up slowly. "No. They're slowly starting to trust me, but not to the point where we're having in-depth conversations about stuff like that." Fear and curiosity warred in her eyes. "What's the problem?"

"It's something in our DNA, making our animal instincts come to the forefront. We only found out about it during the breeding program, when a few of the couples became… linked after heat sex. I wasn't kidding when I said our need to mate is instinctive. It's extremely powerful. Permanent too."

She stared down at him stunned. "You mean…"

Alec nodded. "We're just like several other creatures in the animal kingdom. We mate for life."

His words hung in the air for a minute and he almost left it at that, but then carried on, "And that isn't the only problem. There's also the breeding aspect." When she looked confused, he sighed, "Pregnancy, Maxie."

"But it's never happened before…"

"You've never been with one of your own kind before either. Back at Manticore, with the X5 breeding program, conception occurred only about 2% of the time. Under normal conditions, you're just not fertile."

"Yeah, that makes sense I guess."

"But when the females went into heat, that number skyrocketed to around 90%. Only reason it wasn't higher was because of some incompatibility issues - and I'd be willing to bet there are major issues between human and X5 DNA." He stared at her for several moments while she took in what he said.

"And Renfro paired us off together, so we're probably a really good match." She whispered stunned.

Alec nodded. "So, since neither one of us wants to be tied down right now, let alone have a kid…" His voice trailed off for a moment at the unwanted words, then he forced himself to continue, "It's best if you ride out the next one by yourself. I'll protect you, make sure you're left alone."

Max struggled to breathe, barely restraining an agonised cry at the knowledge that he didn't want her, at least not on a permanent basis. It is only a temporary thing for him. A fling. She veiled her eyes immediately, not wanting him to see how much he'd hurt her. "Yeah. You're right, of course." She bit out shakily.

Turning away, she made a big production out of looking at her watch. "Oh shit! I've gotta get down to the command post." She jumped out of bed and rushed over to her closet, grabbing some clothes blindly in her haste to leave the room. Just don't cry. Hold it together until you're alone. "I'm supposed to be in negotiations for most of the day." Calling out over her shoulder as she entered the bathroom, "Probably won't be back until late tonight."

She slammed the door shut behind her and tried to repress her sobs. Bending over, she quickly turned on the water and hopped in the shower, finally letting her tears fall as she tipped her head up into the spray. He doesn't want me as his mate. Doesn’t want to have a baby with me. Guess that means love's out of the question. A hiccup/sob left her lips and she bit down hard on her bottom lip to stop any more from escaping.

Get a grip. I can't let him see how upset I am. He'll probably run if I do. As fast and as far away from me as he can seeing as how he doesn't want to get involved with anyone. She struggled to control her breathing. I did say I'd deal if I had to. I just didn’t want to, but I don't really have a choice now, do I. I can't make him love me. Feeling her tears subsiding, she turned off the water and swiftly got dressed. I'm just going to have to live with this.

Alec rolled over and buried his head in the pillows, growling out his frustration. Fuck! The flare of pure agony in her eyes stayed in his head, taking up residence and refusing to leave. How could I do that to her? Especially now that I know what she's going to have to go through, how bad heat really is… I can't blame her for being upset. I would be too. She shouldn't have to suffer through that. None of them should.

But this is for the best. While I'd love nothing better than to take her as my mate, to have her carry my child - our child - in her belly, I know it's not what she wants. He forced himself to face the possibly dire consequences. She'd hate me if I forced her into that, more than she probably does for my refusal. She's just not ready for anything that serious. Likely won't be for quite a while. I'm just going to have to live with this. Hope that maybe she'll forgive me in time.

Max walked out of the bathroom and hurried toward the door, not daring to look back at him in case she broke down again. "Gotta jet. Enjoy your day off, Alec." She was proud when her voice didn't betray her.

Alec lifted his head and stared at the glimpse of her back before it disappeared out the door. Before he could open his mouth, she was gone, the sound of her footsteps retreating down the stairs. That went well. Way to go, asshole. He groaned and buried his head back in the pillow.

~~~Several hours later…

Alec lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. So much for sleeping in on my day off. I feel too damn guilty now. He kept on seeing Max's distressed features, over and over again, every time he closed his eyes.

I've got to apologize to her, let her know how much I wish I could help her out. Tell her that I still want to be with her, if she'll have me. Just not during her heat. I mean, she has to understand that, right? She certainly didn't disagree with me, once she knew why I said no.

He sighed and nodded, still convinced he'd done the right thing. There's no way on earth she wants to be tied down right now. It's not the right time, what with the siege and White plaguing us. Besides, it's too soon for her to jump into something like that, even though we have become really good friends over the last few months. One night of amazing sex doesn't make a solid foundation for a permanent relationship. Although our friendship just might…

Groaning, he pushed himself out of Max's bed. I'd better not let her brood too long, or I'll never hear the end of it. He staggered toward the bathroom. Right. Shave. Shower. Lunch. Apology. Then hopefully make up with Max. He grinned. I can think of worse ways to spend my day off.

~~~

Max sat by herself in the small office area she shared with Alec and Mole, talking on the phone; her feet propped up on one of the desks as she stared blankly out the dirty window to her left. Thank God I can multi-task like there's no tomorrow. Otherwise, I'd never remember a word this idiot's said today. "Yes, I understand that, Governor. That's not what we want either."

"All we want is to be left alone." Except I don't. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want Alec, love him so much.

"We want to have the same rights as everybody else. To live our lives in peace, to have families of our own." I want to mate with him and have his children, even though that's not likely to happen now. She brushed yet another stray tear from the corner of her eye before it could fall.

"We don't want to constantly be looking over our shoulders, wondering if some lunatic is going to try to kill us. Don't want to spend the rest of our lives fighting." I really don't want to fight with him now. I'd rather enjoy as much time with him as I can, before he gets tired of me.

"I don't think that's asking too much. Do you?"

She barely heard his response as the door to her right clicked shut. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the object of her thoughts start walking toward her and stiffened slightly, startled. How long has he been standing there?

'I'm sorry,' Alec mouthed. Smiling sheepishly, he pulled a large container from behind his back, placing it down on her desk and looking hopefully at her. Tantalizing scents emanated from it.

Her nostrils twitched, identifying the odours. Chicken, potatoes, gravy, and carrots, probably from the mess. Not a bad peace offering. At least he's trying. And really, while he did hurt me, it's… she looked back up at him and slowly shook her head, mouthing, 'not your fault.' After all, he can't help the way he feels.

He sighed relieved and leaned against the desk beside her, opening up the container for her and pulling out a fork, lifting a mouthful of chicken to her lips. She opened them and slowly closed her mouth around the fork, letting him pull it out from between her teeth. Closing her eyes, she chewed contentedly and swallowed, then mouthed, 'Thanks.'

Opening her eyes again, Max replied into the phone, "I'd have to take that to my people for a vote, Governor Adams. Most of them probably wouldn't mind joining the military, as long as they were paid accordingly and treated with respect, given proper rank." She looked at Alec, raising an eyebrow curiously. He shrugged, not quite sure if he'd do it or not and took a bite of the mashed potatoes.

"But I do know that some of us would mind a great deal. Me for one. We went through hell, even as children, were tortured for even the slightest perceived misdeed." She shuddered at some of the images that came to mind. "It would be imperative for us to be granted citizenship with all the civil rights that entails. We'd need to know we're safe from discrimination."

Alec offered her the fork and she took it gratefully, sighing happily as he stepped behind her and started massaging her shoulders. "It wasn't our fault we were created. The government was responsible for that, indirectly of course. Although I doubt you'd be able to find anyone who'd actually admit being involved."

Max managed to get in several bites before she had to respond again. "All of us, living together on one base?" She raised an eyebrow as she thought about it. "That idea has merit, as long as it doesn't include forced conscription into the military. I'd have to do some research and check with my people."

She took another bite and then swallowed hastily. "All right. We'll talk again in three days then. Same time?" She nodded. "Good."

Hanging up, she leaned back into Alec's hands and put out her own peace offering. "I'm sorry I left so abruptly. It was a lot to take in and I needed some time to think about everything. And I did have to make this phone call."

"It's okay. I could tell you were upset and I don't blame you one bit." Moving back in front of her and sitting on the desk, he took one of her hands in his. "I really am sorry about this morning, Maxie. I don't want you to have to suffer through heat alone again, but I don't know what else to do. There's too much at stake."

"I know and I understand why you said no." Even though I wish I didn't. "I'm just scared I'm gonna screw up again." Her voice shook. "As you've already pointed out, the consequences could be huge this time."

His eyes locked with hers. "You have nothing to worry about on that front. I will stay close by, make sure you stay safe."

"Yeah, you say that now and I can see that you mean it, but what if I manage to sneak out without you noticing? I could end up with some jerk, mated to someone I don't even know." She shuddered. It would kill me if that happened.

"I promise I won't let that happen, Max." It’d be over my dead body. He continued to stare into her eyes, letting her see the sincerity in them and smiling reassuringly at her.

"Okay." She nodded reluctantly, wanting to believe she could do it, wanting to believe in him. He means well, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist my heat this time… especially with the man I love standing right outside the door.

Wanting to cheer her up, to give her something to be happy about, he said, "I do care about you, you know." Alec looked down at their joined hands, trying to be as truthful as possible without exposing too much to her. "I value our friendship and I still want to be with you. I really enjoyed last night."

"Me too." Her hopes started to soar until she realized what he'd said. Friendship? Why did he throw that in? Unless… that's all he feels about me. He cares about me as a friend, not a lover. Her eyes darted to his, trying to read his expression. It doesn't look promising. She sighed. I guess we're gonna be friends with benefits. "I sense a big but coming."

He nodded reluctantly and squeezed her hand. "I don't want to rush into anything serious with you. There's too much history between us." He smiled wryly. "Hell, four months ago, you were still with Logan and acting like I was something gross that you’d stepped in and couldn’t get rid of."

She hung her head, speechless. What can I possibly say to that? It's the truth, even if it wasn't the way I actually felt.

"Max." He waited until she looked back up at him. "It's all in the past. I already told you I've forgiven you for that. But you can see how this is all a bit weird for me, right? We need to take it slow."

She forced a smile on to her face. This whole thing is my fault. If only I'd treated him better, come to my senses sooner… Why was I so mean to him?

He sighed, sensing some of the pain she was trying to hide from him, "So are we good, then? Are we agreed?"

"Yeah, sure." I can take a step back and keep my emotions in check. Stay away from my chosen mate during heat. No problem. It'll be a piece of cake. She bit back a snort at how sceptical her own thoughts sounded, but she did manage a nod, even conjured up a slightly more genuine smile. I can do this for him. I have to. Even if it kills me.

He stood up and pulled her into his arms, a wicked grin lighting up his face. "You know, it is customary to kiss and make up after a fight."

She arched an eyebrow at him, trying to repress the first real smile she'd had since leaving their apartment this morning. "Oh really?"

He nodded decisively, starting to walk backward toward the door, dragging her with him. "Yeah, and then there's the make up sex. It's a must. Can’t skip that step."

Laughter bubbled from her lips at the hopeful look on his face. At least he does still want me. Thank God! "Well, far be it for me to break with tradition."